Should You Let Your Ex Be Friends with You? Here's What to Consider

Breakups are hard. No matter how much you wanted it or how badly it went, it's always a little bit painful to say goodbye to someone you cared about. And sometimes, the hardest part is figuring out what to do with your relationship afterwards. Do you stay friends? Do you cut off all contact? Do you try to be casual and hang out sometimes? The answer isn't always clear, and there's no one-size-fits-all solution. But if you're wondering whether or not you should be friends with your ex, there are a few things you should consider.

Why You Might Want to Be Friends With Your Ex

There are a few reasons why you might want to stay friends with your ex, even if you're not romantically involved anymore. For some people, the idea of completely cutting off a person who was once such a big part of their life feels difficult, even painful. Here are some common reasons:

You Have a Shared History

If you were together for a while, you probably built up a lot of shared memories and experiences. It's natural to want to hold onto those, even after the relationship has ended. You might find it easier to think about all the good times you had and remember the person you fell in love with, rather than focusing on the reasons why you broke up.

You're Still Close

Even if you're not romantically attracted to your ex anymore, you might still genuinely care about them as a person. Maybe you share the same friends, or you have similar interests. Perhaps you're even still in love with them, but you're not in love with *them* anymore if that makes sense. Whatever the reason, you might find it hard to let go of the bond you shared.

You Don't Want to Hurt Them

It's common to feel a little bad after a breakup, especially if you were the one who initiated it. You might feel guilty about hurting them, and you might be afraid of cutting off all contact. Staying friends might feel like a way to ease the pain of the breakup, both for you and for them.

Why You Might Not Want to Be Friends With Your Ex

While it's perfectly normal to still care about your ex and want to maintain some level of connection, being friends with them after a breakup can be challenging. Here are a few reasons why you might want to avoid friendship:

It's Too Painful

If you're still hurting from the breakup, seeing your ex or talking to them could be too difficult. It's possible that you'll still have feelings for them, and being around them might just make those feelings stronger. Or maybe you're still angry about what happened, and seeing them could make you want to lash out. Whatever the reason, if seeing your ex is too painful, it's best to avoid it.

It Could Lead to Confusion

Even if you're both adamant about just being friends, it's possible that things could get complicated. You might start to have feelings for them again, or they might start to have feelings for you. Or, even if you don't want to get back together, the ambiguity of your relationship could lead to hurt feelings and misunderstandings. There's a good chance one of you will start to get jealous if the other person starts dating other people.

It Could Sabotage Your Future

If you're both trying to move on, it's important to give yourself the space to do so. Hanging out with your ex could make it harder to meet new people and start new relationships. It could also make it more difficult to process your feelings about the breakup and learn from your mistakes.

What to Consider Before Making a Decision

If you're not sure whether or not you should be friends with your ex, here are a few questions to ask yourself:

• What is your main reason for wanting to stay friends? Be honest with yourself about your motivations. Are you trying to avoid pain? Are you hoping to get back together?
• How long has it been since you broke up? It's usually a good idea to give yourself some time to heal and process your emotions before trying to be friends. A few weeks or months might be the right amount of time to give yourself space and to focus on your own well-being.
• How are you feeling now? If you're still angry, hurt, or heartbroken, being friends with your ex is probably not a good idea. Take some time to work through those feelings before you even think about becoming friends.
• How do you think your ex feels? It's important to be considerate of their feelings as well. Do they want to stay friends? If they're not ready to be friends, respect their wishes.
• What are your boundaries? Before you agree to be friends, it's important to set clear boundaries. What are you comfortable with? What are you not comfortable with? For example, are you okay with hanging out in groups? Are you okay with talking on the phone? Are you okay with going out on dates together?

Tips for Staying Friends with Your Ex

If you decide that you do want to be friends with your ex, here are a few tips for making it work:

• Take things slowly. Don't try to jump right into friendship. Start with casual conversations or small group hangouts. See how you feel and how the other person feels before you start spending a lot of time together. It can be helpful to acknowledge that you’re both going through a transition and you might be more sensitive than usual.
• Be honest with each other. Don't try to pretend that nothing has changed. Acknowledge the fact that you broke up and that you're both still adjusting. Have an open and honest conversation about your expectations and boundaries.
• Respect each other's space. Just because you're friends doesn't mean you have to be best friends. Give each other space to heal and move on. Don’t feel like you have to answer every text or call. You’re not obligated to respond immediately or to make a lot of time for each other. It’s a good idea to create healthy distance so you can focus on your own well-being.
• Don't try to be "just friends" if you still have feelings for them. If you're still in love with your ex, it's probably not a good idea to try to be friends. This can be incredibly confusing and hurtful to both of you. You might be tempted to give them a little extra attention, which could give them the wrong impression.
• Avoid talking about the past. It's best to avoid dwelling on the past or trying to analyze what went wrong. Focus on the present and the future. This is especially important if you’re hoping to eventually start new romantic relationships.
• Don't compare your new relationships to the old one. It's important to remember that you're both different people now than you were when you were together. If you start dating new people, don't compare them to your ex or to your past relationship.
• Be prepared to walk away. If being friends with your ex becomes too painful or confusing, you need to be prepared to walk away. It's okay to put your own needs first. It’s important to remember that sometimes the best choice is to move on and make new memories.

Final Thoughts

Ultimately, the decision of whether or not to be friends with your ex is a personal one. There's no right or wrong answer. Just be sure to consider all of your options and make a decision that's right for you. And most importantly, be patient and kind to yourself. It takes time to heal from a breakup, and there's no need to rush into anything. Give yourself the time and space you need to move on, whether you’re friends with your ex or not.